I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
