So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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