I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
