Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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