Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
