I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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