I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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