I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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