On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
