My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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