Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
