9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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