Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
