She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
