just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
