I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex