Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.