in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.