she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
