My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
