I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
