the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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