Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
sarcasm needs its own font
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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