dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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