so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
