she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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