My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
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My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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