Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
