hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
