apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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