I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
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They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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