im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm at about main and main street
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
