Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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