It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Intervention is following me on twitter.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh