Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
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The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog