i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
