you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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