we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
