If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
