Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
