I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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