i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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