Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
