You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
