I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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