dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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