i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
