I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
