Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
