Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
