I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
