If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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