I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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