Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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