I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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