I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
