dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
