nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
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Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The air taste purple.
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