Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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