if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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