He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
