remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
